My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
