I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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