I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
