my phone needs a breathalizer
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
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please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
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It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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