omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
