I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
