Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
