oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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