I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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