How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
