the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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