I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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