good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
