My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
