I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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