last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Randomize
