Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
