is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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