Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
