Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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