My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
