I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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