You don't have asthma, your pregnant
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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