i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
