HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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