Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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