but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
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