i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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