I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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