I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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