just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
