Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
