.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
