I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
