i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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