It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
