GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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