Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
