I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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