I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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