you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
COCAINE IS GR8
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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