dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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