I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
