their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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