I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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