fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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