Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
