david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Floor bacon is actually really good
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
