you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
