I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
