I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
