it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
