You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
