Say something about gay babies.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
