i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
