Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
