Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
